Standing in the sun

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It’s like standing in the sun, feeling the healing warmth of it, when someone grabs you by the back of the neck and throws you into a meat locker. But now this place has become familiar. You’ve started to count on being there from time to time. You’ve stashed a parka, some snacks and a book in the back. You know this place and you know you’ll get out. Suddenly, you’re back in the sun, blissful again, a little giddy. You have a secret knowing; this won’t last forever either, but you rejoice in it fully while you’re here, and ask no more of it.

Upon our return from Palm Springs, we headed directly into a spinal tap with intrathecal chemo for Lulu, IV chemo, and the rest of the usual monthly torture. It’s always difficult to shift gears from bliss to this, but we’ve become very familiar with it. Lulu still has a hard time with many aspects of the procedures, but she is light years ahead of where she used to be. Her coping skills improving, her understanding growing … which is good and bad, as she has become more vocal about it: “Mama, why did I get in this awful mess to begin with?” “I HAAATE LEUKEMIA!!!” “I HAAATE taking these pills every day!” And my very least favorite: “WHY did I get leukemia?” I can explain almost all the questions except that one. I wish I had an answer.

Life has been so great lately that I almost forget we are still in this crazy cancer world. The reminders pop up though. When I give her chemo every single night. When I see a picture of her before treatment. When I recently read a touching story Sarah, a little girl from her school, wrote about her. But the lows are not as low as they used to be, and the highs feel higher. I’ve been continuing to take in and feel all the blessings that have been coming our way, and there are many: Lulu is doing well overall, going to school more consistently, learning to read. The What if Book is getting some buzz and likely published soon, as well as another big what if I’ll tell you about if it happens. Then there’s the Make a wish trip to Hawaii. I have an editorial that will be published internationally. Jimmy’s indie film in an international film festival nominated for 3 awards, Hawaii. Max landed a role at a professional children’s theater. We continue to feel loved and supported by our friends and community in so many ways. Hmm, have I mentioned Hawaii?

Lulu had her Make-a-Wish party last week, and we surprised her with it. I’ve included some pics below. I had gotten the rough draft of the speech from Sarah on the way to the party, which somehow set the tone. Her assignment was to give a speech about someone who had inspired her. She is 11 years old in 6th grade. Please read:

Lulu, a 6-year old girl, has fought many battles and continues to do so everyday. Lulu attends my school. Last school year on November 7, 2011, just days before her 5th birthday, she was diagnosed with A.L.L., acute lymphoblastic leukemia. In an instant, Lulu and her family’s lives changed forever. The journey Lulu and her family have been on has taught them many lessons. These are lessons that Lulu can teach us.

Since her diagnosis, she has spent days, weeks and months at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin. Lulu has endured chemotherapy, its side effects and a burst appendix. Lulu is now in remission and is going through months of maintenance chemotherapy. Her mom T, her dad Jimmy and her brother Max have played a big role in Lucia’s fight against leukemia. Lulu’s mom has maintained a blog to provide family and friends with the latest updates. The blog has connected all those touched by Lulu’s amazing story.

I’d like to share a few examples of her courage and wisdom. One night in the hospital, when her liquids were restricted for medical reasons, Lulu was very thirsty and kept asking her mom for water. After not getting any, Lulu shouted: “My tummy is a desert, and there are animals there! And it’s hot and dry and they’re gonna die if they don’t get some water! ALL THE ANIMALS!!!” Then after her two sips of water, Lulu with a knowing smile said: “The desert is now a garden”.

Lulu’s mom has described their journey as a roller coaster or marathon. One day Lulu described their journey this way to her mom by saying: “I know Mama, storm, rainbow, storm, rainbow”… while drawing an invisible rainbow in the air with her finger.

Lulu continues to share her wisdom with her family and with all of us. One time telling her mom: “Mama, just because we can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not real. We can’t see air or the wind, and that’s real. We can’t see God, but that’s real too.”

On another day, her mom is talking to her and tells her how proud she is of her and that she is going to grow up to be a strong, wise and beautiful woman. She looked at her mom with big green eyes and says, “So, I’ll be just like you, Mama.” A greater compliment was never given.

Lulu has met many extraordinary families battling cancer while she was at Children’s Hospital. Lulu wanted to help them and had the idea of starting a lemonade stand to raise money for Children’s Hospital and cancer research. With two lemonade stands last summer, she raised over $2,300. I was fortunate to go to Lulu’s house and donate money to the lemonade stand. I got to see Lulu. We talked and played in the sandbox that day. I could see that Lucia was getting better every day.

Our school has been with Lulu on this journey, too. For the last two years, we held a Pennies for Patients drive to raise money for the Leukemia Society, raising over $3,000 in Lucia’s honor.

Last year, Lulu was in K4 for two months prior to her diagnosis. She wasn’t able to return to school last year but did visit them in May. Her mom tells the story: When we entered the classroom, a hush fell over the room. The kids were instructed not to touch Lucia to avoid exposing her to germs. Lulu was beyond excited, bouncing up and down. Gingerly, the little ones approached. One little dark-haired boy came up to her and quietly said, “Hi Lulu, you look just beautiful”. The kids were curious, but completely respectful. Happily, Lulu has returned to school this year joining the K5 class.

Lulu is an extraordinary person and her story is worth telling to the world. I hope someday to be wise and courageous like Lulu and her family.

What a reminder of how much our little one has gone through. How much we have all gone through… We went to the party and Lulu was bubbling over with excitement … and if she can revel in these moments after everything she’s been through, shouldn’t we all?

Love,

a.l.l. of us

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Highlights (mostly!)

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Hello Friends!

Wow, it’s been a while since my last entry.  Thanks for your patience.  I’ll hit the highlights and lowlights to catch you up to speed.  Luckily, this will contain mostly the former!

We ended up spending the holidays in a much more quiet fashion than anticipated.  We were just too exhausted to make the 6+ hour trek to my BFF’s house.  Staying home turned out to be a fantastic choice.  We just needed some R&R after 2012!   As my grandmother used to say, my get-up and go, got-up and went…  We took the kids to Children’s Hospital Christmas Eve.  I know, you’re thinking: “Really?  You CHOSE to go to the hospital?”  We did.  We were so grateful not to be there, that we figured we’d bring some cheer to those who were, while teaching our kids to give back, and be grateful for all that we have (This does not mean that they were cured of their American spoiled-rottenness, but a step in the right direction nonetheless!).

We saw some of our favorite nurses, and our social worker that introduced us to a family who had been diagnosed only 2 days prior.  All it took was one look into their eyes and I was hugging and crying with the mom, while Jimmy did likewise with the dad.  Their shock, grief and overwhelm was palpable, and all too reminiscent.  I think seeing Lulu there, bouncing up and down like a caffeinated bunny was reassuring to them.  Their 4-year-old son also had a.l.l.  Max and Lulu each gave them the $10 they had received from their “aunt” Carrie, to buy a gift for their son.  It was very tender, and the parents took a picture of our kids in their laps, to show to their son later.

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I’ve gone back to working on more photo shoots, and after a rough first day, felt back in the swing again.  The first day was just tough because I had to return to the ‘scene of the crime’, in a way …  I went back to the photo studio where I found out Lulu had cancer, and it was much more difficult than I had anticipated.  I was actually shaking as I drove there, and couldn’t even walk past the station where I had learned the life-changing news.  Ugh.  I was lucky to work with some wonderful models and crew though, and one photographer even brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers to welcome me back.  That gesture was really big for me somehow.

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After that week, I spent left on my first work trip in over a year.  I went to NYC to work with a new crew, with the exception of my art director/friend.  It ended up being the perfect trip, with a fantastic crew who dressed up every day including a pajama day, hip-hop day (see above – I’m so gangsta, ha!), and pirate day!  Who does that?!?  We all hit it off and ended up going out the last night and having a lot more fun than my head would have asked for the next morning :-) .  Oh, and my friend and I even caught a show!  We saw Chicago, and it was her first big show ever.  I swear I had more fun watching her delight than I did the performances!  There’s nothing like your first Broadway show.  She went from 36 to 6-years old as she sat on the edge of her seat, her hands moving from her open mouth to her heart over and over again.

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Lulu missed Mommy lots, but got through the week well.  I was so relieved.  It was very difficult to leave, but it was also much needed time for me to be … me again.

I entered a whirlwind upon my return as we prepared to have a film crew to our house the next day.  Do you remember the poster Lulu was in for Jazz Pharmaceuticals?  After meeting with them, they asked us if we’d be interested in doing more education with them.  They are the company that had the alternative drug to PEG-asparagenase, the drug Lulu almost died from when she had an allergic reaction to it.  We are glad there are companies out there who are looking for alternative and solutions to problems like these, and were happy to work with them.   I can’t say that about every drug company, but they really have a culture of integrity that has been consistent in every person we’ve met there.

They spent about 6 hours interviewing us, and made us feel very comfortable while discussing difficult topics; not an easy job.  Jimmy and I went first while the kids were in another room, then Lulu went solo and didn’t want to perform.  She was so shy you could barely hear her, which cracked me up because she is usually so loud and boisterous!  We all made sure the questions weren’t too pointed for her, as we really don’t want her to recall all the detailed horrors of her journey.  Max had the final interview, and of course nailed it.  That kid!  He answered the questions in his wise-old-young man way.  It was actually good for us to hear him sum things up and know his understanding even surpassed what we thought he comprehended.

More good news!  We will be flying to Palm Springs to speak at the National Sales Convention for Jazz Pharma.  The four of us will be featured on stage as well as in a break-out room for more in-depth q&a.  They want their company to see real faces of cancer, to keep what they do in tangible perspective.  I think we will serve as both a warning and an inspiration.  As we discussed during the taping, we never thought this would be our story, but cancer is indiscriminate.  We feel honored to participate in this way, and feel strongly about raising awareness about childhood cancer.

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This leads me to the lowlight portion of my entry.  Jimmy’s mother recently underwent two back surgeries, finding out shortly after, that he leg had broken just below the hip.  She had another surgery with pins and screws to fuse her leg back together.  She is recovering, but still in tremendous pain and we appreciate any good juju, thoughts and prayers you might send her way.  Her name is Sharon.

Overall, life is feeling hopeful again.  Jimmy is off on a work trip; Lulu is home with a cold, but nothing more.  Hopeful … for the first time in a long time.   I’m trying to stay in the moments, and feel them fully.  I’m doing my best not to think about the last year too much, or the fears of the future.   I’m remembering my previous entry on this topic:

Sit in the moments like a jazz musician sits in the pocket, never before or after the beat, behind or ahead of it.  Enjoy the sweetness of each note as it plays out.

Did I just quote myself?  What a dork.

Love,

a.l.l. of us

 IMG_2322 Oh, Mom …

Silver Lining (plus recording of Lulu singing)

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Hello Friends,

Since my last entry, Lulu’s counts dropped even lower, which was unexpected.  We had taken her off of her daily chemo, but she was still getting Bactrim two days a week and methotrexate once a week.  The first is to keep her from getting infections, and the second is another chemo drug.  These proved too much for her already falling counts, and her ANC (fighter white and red blood cell counts) dropped into the low 100’s.  A normal ANC is over 1500.  Needless to say, she was quarantined until further notice.

I was 3 days into a healing cleanse, our winter launch was a few days later, and Jimmy was deep into work.  My usual response to an unexpected storm cloud like this is slight panic, wondering how I’ll work, what we’ll do at home, how I’ll get to the grocery store, etc.  But Lulu was absolutely thrilled to be on lockdown, and spend time at home.  Her attitude must have been contagious.  Instead of my usual coping through the 5 steps of grieving, I jumped right to acceptance.  There was something in her heart that reached out and touched mine in a way only a parent can understand.

We were instructed to take her off all medication.  She was home for 3.5 weeks.  The most interesting thing about this time, was watching my little Lulu return to me.  Every day she was off the medication, I could see the fog lifting.  Slowly but surely, her sweet spirit was fighting its way back!  The relief and joy in seeing the ‘real’ her again, combined with precious time together turned out to be the best Christmas gift I could ever have asked for.  I was falling in love with my Lulu all over again.  My little girl was still in there after all.

There was even a shift in her voice, which went from almost foghorn to tinker bell.  The OCD dissipated into near nonexistence.  Her babbling became less manic, and more bubbly: “Everybody makes up words Mama, China people, Mericans, even people who can’t talk!  They make up words with their hands.  You and me too, we make up words!”   She is fiercely funny, and can deliver a line in such a dead-pan way, you’d think she was a 25 year-old comedienne.  After asking her to clean up her art area (she’s since learned the word chaos) she says: “I just cleaned up this mess, am I the maid here?  I don’t think so.  I don’t want to have to clean this mess up again.  Good grief!”  You may be thinking she’s mimicking me here, but she’s not.  She ends with a knowing smirk on her face, fully aware of how funny her faux tirade is.

We watched girly movies, cuddled, made art instillations and stayed in our jammies for 3 days in a row, just because we could.  Jimmy’s schedule let up the last week, and he and the kids bedazzled and holidazed the house magnificently.  I didn’t grow up in a house where we decorated for the holidays, and I truly appreciate that Jimmy cares so much about making this a tradition for us.

Lulu returned to school late last week, just in time for her holiday concert.  As the three of us sat in the audience, I fought back the big ugly cry that snuck up on me as I watched her on stage.  There was my beautiful little girl with her newly sprouting hair, dressed in a green and black vintage-y dress, with a huge black flower in her headband singing her little heart out.  I thought back to where we were last Christmas, and where we are now.  The feeling of gratefulness washed over me as if someone had dumped buckets of warm water over my head.   Thank you, thank you, thank you God and universe for saving this precious soul.

The holidays are upon us, and we couldn’t be happier.  Maybe every cloud really does have a silver lining.  Maybe we can forget the misery but remember the lessons.  Maybe we can minimize the suffering and expand the laughter.  Maybe, just maybe, hope will reside in us permanently.  For now, maybe feels pretty grand.

Enjoy this audio clip of Lulu singing her Christmas song through the link below (If Cindy Lou Who could sing, this is definitely what she would sound like!)

Lastly,  I’ll leave you with a very important piece of advice from Lulu:

“Never, NEVER run with your hands in your pockets!”

http://chirb.it/g42rDv LULU SINGING CHRISTMAS IS A TIME FOR LOVE

Love, and Happy Holidays,

a.l.l. of us

LYRICS – Christmas is a Time To Love

Christmas is a TIme, Christmas is a Time, Christmas is a Time to Love

We often start to worry, and people get upset when things don’t all go right on Christmas Day

What we should remember, in all the push and shove is Christmas is a time to love

(repeat chorus)

Maybe things don’t sound right, or look the way they should

and maybe they’re not perfectly in tune …

It really doesn’t matter, let’s keep our eyes above

’cause Christmas is a time to love

(repeat chorus)

To my Big Boy on Thanksgiving

Hello on this special holiday!

There are so very many things to be thankful for this year.  But I’m dedicating this Thanksgiving to my son, who sits by the sidelines while his sister receives positive and negative attention. As she is showered with gifts, he resides quietly in grace. He thrives despite stress, and brings his gift of laughter to the worst of situations.
I love you ‘Bugs’, you are an amazing unsung hero, wise beyond your years, and I’m so thankful to be your mom.

Happy Thanksgiving to all the unsung heroes out there!

Love,

a.l.l. of us

Bo Johnson article: Teaching us How to Live

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Hello Friends,

Lulu had another lemon-aid stand today at our church.  We are so proud of our little one for inspiring these donations. We will do exact calculations, but we should have close to $3000 from our 3 lemon-aid stands, which will be donated to The Blood Research Institute.    Thank you to all who have given to this cause, especially now, during Childhood Cancer Awareness month.  If you wish to donate, please click on this link: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=HWVDDTBWNFYDE

In lieu of my usual updates, and in honor of our fellow warriors, I am sharing an article about our friend Bo.  He is at home in hospice now.  He has not only touched our lives, but the lives of so many.  I think you will find it very uplifting, moving and inspiring:

Bo Johnson: Teaching Us How to Live

The lessons of a mother and her boy’s fight

September 06, 2012

On Monday, August 27, Bo Johnson chose to come home to die.

For nearly a year he battled valiantly against an extremely rare, extremely aggressive form of Extramedullary Acute Myeloid Leukemia, also known as EM AML (read “Bo’s Battle,” for more). That Sunday, his doctors told him there was nothing more they could do for him – that he will die from his disease.

Bo didn’t want to die in the hospital. Bo wanted to come home.

• • •

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Bo Johnson, shortly after he shaved his head during chemotherapy treatments for Acute Myeloid Leukemia.

The 13-year-old Sister Bay boy with the humble smile has called the HOT Unit (Hemotology, Oncology, and Transplant) at Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee his home for most of the last year.

His battle began with a Labor Day jet-ski accident and a broken pelvis that wouldn’t heal. On Oct. 8, 2011 doctors discovered he had Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML), and within days he was prepping for chemotherapy. By the time he started treatment, his schoolmates had painted northern Door County orange – the color of the ribbon to show support for leukemia patients.

They made orange GO BO! ribbons, wrist-bands, t-shirts. They bought orange shoes and orange shoelaces. They painted orange ribbons on their cheeks and GO BO! on everything they could find.

“It’s been overwhelming to see all that support,” Bo says from the hospital bed his family set up in his grandmother’s home in Sister Bay. His voice is slowed to a drawl by the pain in his jaw, but not enough to hide how happy he is to be home among his friends. His bed faces out a wall of windows toward the water, just a few steps down from the beach where he yearns to play with his friends. “I don’t know what to think. People I don’t even know; you just feel so appreciated and comforted.”

Bo recognized right away that he was lucky. He had his mother Annika at his side, friends begging to visit, cards pouring in, and Facebook and Caring Bridge pages blowing up with messages from friends, family, and strangers.

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The Gibraltar Cross Country team showed their support for Bo Johnson at a meet Aug. 29, wearing orange ribbons and painting GO BO! on their calves. photo by Joy Manweiler.

But on his floor in the hospital he saw other kids suffering, some of them seemingly alone. Many would become his friends, his mentors, his teammates in the fight against terrible odds.

“They taught me a lot,” he says. “They gave me advice. Jack and I would go along the floor pulling pranks on nurses. They showed me that it’s not all doom and gloom in there.”

Jack Bartosz was one of those who taught him how to fight. The nine-year-old battled neuroblastoma for seven years, and his “I Back Jack” campaign raises funds to support research for new treatments. But there’s a heartbreaking risk in making friends in the HOT unit.

Jack died the day Bo got the news that there was nothing more they could do for him.

“Bo has had to see a lot,” Annika says. “He has watched other children die. Watched his friends die.”

In the face of such trauma, Bo struggled to remain positive where others could not.

“Some of the kids refuse to come out of their room,” Bo says. “They keep their windows shut, blinds shut. It’s pitch dark in their room all day. But you’re not gonna get anywhere doing that.”

Did he ever want to do that?

“Oh yeah,” he says, rolling his head toward his Mom, “but she wouldn’t let me.”

He says that every note, every card, every ribbon helped him answer the bell each day. The flash mob at Fall Fest, the GO BO! group photos at the school and the Sister Bay Bays game. The notes and updates on his Facebook page and the school assembly when Dr. Phil Arnold talked to the students about his disease. The candlelight vigil in Sister Bay’s Marina Park turned into a video by Chris Miller for Bo to see.

• • •

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A single orange ribbon waved from the Gibraltar School sign the day Bo Johnson returned home to Sister Bay. By the next day, orange ribbons waved from nearly every Northern Door sign, mailbox, and tree. Instagram photo by Myles Dannhausen Jr.

Learning that he had cancer was a shock, of course, but he says it wasn’t the worst moment in his ordeal.

“I just figured it is what it is,” Bo says. “I thought I would beat it. They told me it was going to be chemo, six months of treatment, and they said it was going to hurt…I didn’t know it was going to be this hard. They weren’t lying.”

He says this from his bed, his feet sticking out from beneath a Wisconsin Badgers blanket. His hands are too weak to shake, so when family friend Doug Bensyl arrives, Bo opts for a fist bump instead.

It is futile to try to imagine what it must be like for a boy who loves baseball, basketball, and football, to be confined to his bed, his body slaughtered by this disease. It is more futile still to try to comprehend how his spirit remains so strong.

There was a time Bo and Annika thought they had beaten his leukemia. He came home last February, his chemo complete. He returned to school on a limited schedule, put on 20 pounds, and was on his way to recovery.

They took a trip to Florida together, and when they returned Bo went to a Cal Ripken baseball practice and even ran the mile, beating his goal of eight minutes by two seconds.

“Well, what can we say!?!” Annika posted in their Caring Bridge journal in March. “Bo has never been happier than to be home with all his friends and familiar faces.”

Then he joined his classmates on the annual trip to Washington D.C. in late April. Near the end of the trip his arm swelled.

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Bo was inspired by 9-year-old Jack Bartosz, who he met in the HOT unit of Wisconsin Children’s Hospital. Jack died Aug. 27 after battling neuroblastoma for seven years. Photo by Annika Johnson. photo by Annika Johnson.

On May 3, Bo’s 13th birthday, they learned that his leukemia was back. This time chemo was not an option. He needed a bone marrow transplant (also referred to as a stem cell transplant).

They always knew this was a possibility. It’s not uncommon for an AML patient to relapse in the first year after treatment. They prepped for the transplant, but on June 21, Dr. David Margolis, the program director for blood and marrow transplant at the Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin, entered Bo’s room and delivered news they couldn’t possibly be prepared for.

“We have grossly under-estimated Bo’s burden of leukemia,” Dr. Margolis, told them. “It’s not just bone marrow-loving. It’s bone-loving. We’ve never seen it like this, and we don’t know how to treat it.”

This is when they learned Bo had Extramedullary AML, meaning that the cancer doesn’t confine itself to the bone marrow, but attacks the bones throughout his body. That’s why it kept coming back, why Bo couldn’t get healthy. The chemotherapy was successful in fighting the AML, but chemo doesn’t kill the EM AML.

“Is this rare?” Annika asked him, through tears.

“Dr. Margolis practically fell off his chair and on top of Bo’s bed,” Annika remembers.

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Bo’s schoolmates have shown their support in every way they can – ribbons, fundraisers, t-shirts, even special team shoes. photo by Paula Hedeen.

“It is so rare,” Dr. Margolis told them. “We have never seen a biological make-up like yours. Your whole chemistry is unlike anything we’ve seen before. You don’t function like a typical AML patient, and we don’t know why.”

They learned that his chance of beating the EM AML were extremely low, perhaps as low as three percent. It was the most difficult moment of Bo’s ordeal.

“I didn’t really have anything to say,” Bo recalls. “I just sat there with my eyes closed, waiting to hear what they said next.”

Annika thought they were talking about the wrong boy. She couldn’t talk; she could only cry.

His best option was Total Body Irradiation (TBI). It is not pleasant, and for the first time, his doctors gave him the option of palliative care.

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On his second night home from the hospital Bo’s friends showed up to take him to one of his favorite “hot spots,” the Sister Bay beach. Pictured (left to right): Casey Weddig, Connor Brennan, Quinn Jacobs, Ian Chomeau, Seth Johnson, Andrew Iding, Ernie Erickson, Ava Erickson, Hannah Helm, Kara Caldecott, Shannon Martin, Adele Steebs, Mariah Davis and Bo Johnson (center). Photo by Chandra Johnson.

“You don’t have to do this,” Dr. Margolis told Bo. “This is going to be terribly painful, and it is very likely that it won’t work. Nobody will question your fight if you choose to go home.”

Annika left the decision to Bo. He had been through so much already. She had watched him writhe, heard him scream, in pain. It was up to him to go through it again.

Bo chose to put the gloves back on, to go another round against a disease that had him by every measure – a foot taller, a hundred pounds, an arm’s length. He would take its devastating blows one more time, in hopes of sneaking in one lucky punch.

Dr. Margolis told Bo that he had to be 100 percent sure that he could do it. That he couldn’t make any excuses, play possum for the nurses, which he was so good at, or beg out of walking laps around the floor. He gave Bo a motto.

“Just do it,” he told him, and he drew a swoosh on the white board of his door.

“I went by that the whole time,” Bo says. “You don’t want to take a bath? Well just do it. You don’t want to walk laps? Well just do it.”

The TBI decimated his tissue. He suffered from mucositis, which left him with open sores on his tongue, throat, and intestines that felt like shards of glass were slicing through his body.

For four weeks he couldn’t eat. The only thing he could swallow were the Cyclosporin pills to help his new stem cells grow. The pills were “three big horse pills,” Annika says, and Bo had to take painkillers just to swallow them.

• • •

When Bo chose to come home, his only regret was leaving his “second family” behind. The nurses at Children’s Hospital were incredibly personal, he says, helping him through every difficult day.

“It’s hard to be away from the hospital because you feel so safe there,” he says.

Annika has a great deal of respect for Dr. Margolis. He didn’t shield Bo from reality through this process, didn’t sugarcoat any news. In fact, he reminds Annika of a stubborn old Swede she knew.

“Dr. Margolis doesn’t hold back, he spits it out. He reminds me of my Dad,” she says, referring to her late father, the restaurateur Al Johnson.

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The GO BO! ribbon has become a ubiquitous presence in Northern Door County.

Last week Dr. Margolis delivered the hardest truth.

“Bo is going to die from this,” he told them.

Dr. Margolis asked Bo what he wanted to do.

“I don’t want to die in the hospital,” replied Bo, who in a world without cruelty would instead be choosing a new pair of shoes for the coming school year, not where he wanted to die.

“I came home because I wanted to see everyone, to remind myself what Door County even looked like. I love the sunset every night,” he says. “I just didn’t want to go through the treatment again knowing I could have the most painful death out there. I wanted a peaceful death.”

Bo does not cry as he says this. He says it almost bluntly, as if it’s patently obvious. He is surrounded now by about a dozen of his friends, part of the growing stream that are coming to see him. He is happy to be with them, they are happy just to have him back, asking when they can take him to the beach, the favorite of the “hot spots” he wanted to get back to see.

• • •

Before he got leukemia, Bo and his mother would lay in bed and he sometimes asked her – “What would I do without you mom?”

“Don’t you worry,” she told him. “I will always be there to look after you.”

She never expected the tables to turn. Now they lie in his bed and he puts his arm around his mother. He tells her that he’s not scared, that she’s going to be okay.

“I don’t want you to sit in your house and cry all the time,” he said to his mother recently. “I need to know that you will be happy.”

Bo spent a lot of time over the last year thinking about what he would do if he could get healthy again. He thought of becoming a nurse, to pay forward what his nurses have done for him. This summer he came to grips with the idea he might not make it that long.

“I wanted to live a decent life as long as I could,” Bo says. He hoped not for a long life, but for another year or two. “I could do a lot in two years.”

“He could just be with his friends,” Annika says, “and do what they do every day. Go to the beach, the football games, the basketball games.”

That evening his friends wheeled him down to the pier where they used to leap into the bay. The next night he made it to Gibraltar’s varsity football game.

“He wouldn’t stop talking about it!” Annika says. She wants to take him to the first Packers game Sunday.

More than anything, Bo says he hopes that the support and love that his friends and community showed for him will not dissipate when he is gone. His mind turned to the small gifts that meant so much to him.

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Bo Johnson with his mother Annika.

“I wanted to help people if I made it out,” Bo says. “I would just like to go to the hospital, even to [Scandia Village] just to help. Or take a spare $25 that would help a family up at the HOT unit. Donate food to the nurses. Just to help anyone I could in that kind of way.”

At the end of our conversation we talk about one of those small gestures, the orange ribbons that sprouted up on signs, trees, and telephone poles when the community learned Bo was coming home. He talks about what the outpouring of support has meant to him, what his friends have meant to him.

“I want them to know that they were my friends,” he says. “They’ve been supporting me. I’d just like to thank them. It means so much.”

Now, he wants people to remember him, but he wants them to continue supporting others the same way. After he got the news that there was nothing more the doctors could do for him, Bo gave his mother a mission.

“I want you to run every run, walk every walk,” he says. “It doesn’t matter who it’s for. Raise money, and go back to the HOT unit to give families a little money or a gift certificate. Anything.”

• • •

On Monday, August 27, Annika announced that Bo was coming home to die. She had it wrong.

On Wednesday, August 30, Bo Johnson came home to Sister Bay to teach us how to live.

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No news is GREAT news!

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Hello patient Friends!

It’s been a whirlwind lately, and I feel like a Tazmanian devil!  – a whirling dervish of new life is unfolding with camps, activities, work, change, new med schedules, work, friends, auditions, callbacks, tae Kwon do, dance class and did I mention work?  Whew!  Notice housework was NOT included in that list…

We officially started Maintenance Therapy 2 weeks ago.  After the spinal tap and IV chemo in clinic, Lulu was quite sick for a few days.  We thought uh-oh, is this what maintenance is going to be like?  She was taking about 16 pills/day including steroids, daily chemo, and counteractive drugs.  A couple of days in, she developed a fairly sever rash on both of her arms.  We called the H.O.T. unit to see if we’d have to make a trip to the dreaded emergency room.  They had us wait it out, to see if it worsened or she developed a fever.  NOPE!  No trip in!  YAY!  – and that seemed to set the tone for the remainder of the two weeks.

Each day, Lulu has been getting stronger, happier and busier.  She’s been going to a 2.5 hour daycare/camp and is in her glory!  We’ve even had a couple of play dates and each day, her excitement seems to grow exponentially.  At bedtime, she looks forward to the next day so much that she sets all her clothes out neatly, and has me write up a list of all the things we are going to do the next day.  Here is an example:

-Wake up

-Get dressed

-Eat

-Make a few changes in the bathroom (my little artiste, she decorates the bathroom with her little trinkets and moves the soap dish over)

-Go to the park

-Get ice cream

-Cuggle with Mommy (Cuggle is my kids’ family word for cuddle-snuggle)

-Make art

-Watch a show

-Play with my brother

It absolutely brings tears to our eyes to see her having so much joy!  We’re doing our best to wean her off of as many drugs as possible, while still keeping her comfortable.  ‘Sybil’ is still rearing her ugly head here or there, but Lulu is winning out and trying her best to cast out that evil hold steroids can have over.  The more distraction and engagement she has, the happier she is, and she asks every day if she can go back to school yet.  I just can’t wait until she goes back to see her teachers and friends.

Max has been having an exciting summer, and just auditioned for the professional children’s theater here.  Over 600 kids audition at the generals.  He did such a good job that he was called back on the spot, even though the callbacks aren’t until September!  He had his first callback yesterday, and has another today for a different show!  I’ve NEVER seen him so happy and excited about anything … not even football.  It was so cute, and former-performer mama is proud as a peacock.  We’ve had so much fun preparing his monologues and audition material, what a great bonding thing for us to do together.

For Jimmy and I, life on Planet Multi-Task has been interesting.  He’s been traveling and working and working and overworking, in desperate need of a vacation.  I’ve been carting the kids around, and working a lot more in preparation for the launch of the E-com startup I’ve been working on.  I’m still enjoying it, despite the revved-up pace.  If being busy is the biggest problem I have, then life is grand.  Now, if only I could get a personal assistant who also did laundry and cooked…

Great news on our friends too:  BO has made an unbelievable turn-around.  He fought his way out of ICU and back to the H.O.T. unit.  He’s been doing everything asked of him and more, and the doctors are blown away by his progress.  His strength is nothing short of Olympic, and all these kids deserve a gold medal!  Kate too, has made great strides and is also in maintenance, and just celebrated her 4th birthday – at home!  Kaylee is healing well from her burns, and was discharged shortly after admission.  All those thoughts, prayers and good Juju are really working friends!

We also found out Lulu qualified for Make-a-Wish!  Now, the wish-granters begin finding out what her wish will be.  So far, she’s been telling us she wants to see the rainbows in Hawaii.  I guess that could work … J

With that, I’ll leave you with Lulu’s quote of the week:

“Love is the most important thing, because it brings power to other people”.

Indeed.

With love and gratitude,

a.l.l. of us

p.s.  A very special thank you to my BFF Jen and her girls walking in Relay For Life on Lulu’s behalf.  Here’s a video link of their efforts:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqjaDYJH-HY

An eventful day

Yesterday turned out to be an eventful day.  I got a phone call from my Dad, who had gone back home for a while.  He told us his wife’s granddaughter, Kaylee, had been severely burned in a campfire accident.  Apparently, one of the kids at the bonfire had thrown a large log onto the fire, which in turn threw a large burning log onto Kaylee.  Somehow, she had the presence of mind to jump into the lake, and the kids put wet towels on her.  She was burned on her thigh, side and chin and sent to the hospital.  It looks like she will make a full recovery, minus some scarring.  We are keeping her in our prayers.

Then late to clinic for Lulu’s spinal tap and chemo, we were bumped back.  This meant we’d have to wait even longer before she could eat.  After a minimally dramatic port access, we waited for her blood work to come back.  An announcement came over the loudspeaker calling out a CODE BLUE on the H.O.T. unit.  Oh no.  I thought I recognized the room number.  Maybe it’s familiar because we were right next to Bo’s room last time?  That’s it, right?  I asked the nurses and doctors, realizing full well they couldn’t disclose information about another patient, and I was putting them in an awkward position.  I continued to ask anyway, hoping to see some glimmer of confirmation or denial in their eyes.  Let me tell you these guys would all make for great poker players; not a twitch or a tell to be found.  I texted his mom, but no response.  Must wait.

Lulu’s ANC was only 250, so there’s no way we were starting treatment that day, and probably shouldn’t have set up a play date and dance class for the week!  I practically threw a bagel at Lu, who started devouring it.  Sometimes it still seems strange to see her eat!  After exam, learning the new protocol to come, and getting prescriptions called in, we are told we can go, and come back Monday for treatment.

I knew I was on the visitor list for Bo, so I casually asked at the security desk which room he was in.  My fears were confirmed.  Shit.  He’s been moved to ICU.  We later get a text from his mom that he’s had a seizure and they are doing a cat scan.  They’ve found something in his brain, but have to do an MRI to find out what.  I can imagine the terror his mom and he is feeling.  I was praying he might be sleeping during all of it.  They have to wait to find out the results, and are hoping it’s not leukemia in his brain.  Oh, that waiting for MRI results … brings me back to when Lu was so sick when her appendix burst, but we didn’t know yet.  Waiting is absolute agony.  I got another text at almost 10:30 pm from Bo’s mom sharing the news that it’s a complication from his medications that cause extremely high blood pressure.  It may be reversible, and they are treating it.  We were relieved, but still concerned, and continue to send them as much strength as possible.

Most of you don’t know Bo personally.  But I share his story because I feel like he’s everyone’s child.  He has the kind of beautiful spirit that makes you feel like you know him, he reminds you of your own precious child, or the one you hope you have.  He’s kind, sweet, strong and loving.  These kids really are all of our children.  I used to think this stuff happened to other people.  How naïve, and how superior!  It really can be any of us, at any time.  We’re all in this together.  If this sounds a bit maudlin or preachy …  I can’t help but be moved to by this year and the events that continue to unfold.

Lulu was shaken up as well, and I wish I could protect her from this madness … and that I would have been better able to hide my own emotions.  We are careful about what we say, but these situations have become a part of our everyday lives.  She said she was praying for Bo, and worried about him.  She wants him to be able to go home soon.

We are still trying to put emotion into action and had another successful lemon-aid stand, this time at our church.  We raised $600 in 2 hours for children’s cancer research.  Thank you for those of you who donated online as well, that helped a lot!  Jazz Pharmaceuticals donated $1000 to the MACC clinic at Children’s on our behalf, for Lulu’s photo shoot.  Many of you are raising money in races, biking, walking, running, swimming, and we are so touched by your efforts, and proud that you wear LULU on your shirts as you race.

Thank you, also, to the wonderful doctors and nurses at Children’s.  I neglected to mention Lulu had a party at clinic on her last day of delayed intensification.  It was her official last day of shots, and Bonnie, along with the other nurses, made a huge sign for her with balloons, candy and presents to celebrate.  THANK YOU.  I’m continually impressed with the care and thought you all put into your jobs.  You are still by our side for every scream, every tantrum, every hug and every giggle.  I don’t know how you can deal with the love and the loss your jobs entail, but I am grateful to have you.  And humbled by the strength you have to keep on loving, despite the risks to your own hearts.

Thank you all for reading, acting and sharing your hearts with not only Lulu, but with all of the Kate’s, the Joshua’s and the Bo’s of the world . . .

Love,

a.l.l. of us

Reaching Bittersweet Maintenance

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Hello Friends,

It always feels difficult to get started on these entries, but once the words begin to come, they do seem to pour out.  Today, I’ll start where I finished last; the lemon-aid stand.  I think we’re all still feeling the joy from that day.  We got up early, wiped the sleepy dust from our eyes and started cleaning, peeling and juicing to make the lemon-lime-strawberry concoction. We couldn’t just have regular ol’ lemonade … it had to be PINK!  We made gallons of it, and it was tasty!  As Jimmy documented every move on video, we somehow opened promptly at 10 o’clock.  It was hot but bearable outside, eased by the cloud-cover overhead.  Customers were ready at the wait, and came in droves throughout the day.

We had special guest appearances by little Kate, who looked positively beautiful, and Toussaint from the ‘Seeing in Believing’ May blog entry!  Neighbors, friends, church members and blog readers came and populated our front and back yards with kids in tow (who generously brought money from their piggy banks).  Our local news even came out to do a story on us, which I’ll try to post soon.  They did a lovely job, and played it at both the 5pm and 10pm news with Lulu lead-ins during the Olympic trials.  We felt our community holding us up once again, and wished we’d had more time to talk to every person who came.  I actually lost my voice by the end of the day!  I’m thrilled to report that with your help, our little 3 1/2-hour lemonade stand raised $1,725.14 for childhood cancer research!  We are planning another one July 15th at our church and, by summer’s end, hope that we can really make a difference in either the H.O.T. unit or the Blood Research Institute.  We’re speaking to people now to find out where the money can best be utilized, and not be lost in the red tape of donationland.

We spent the 4th of July at the hospital, because, ya know we like to spend every holiday there ;-) .  We happened to be right next to Bo’s room, and I felt terribly that he had to hear Lu screaming through her shots while he was already having a hard time.  He’s in a torturous pain from mucositis, but got his double-cord transplant successfully after multiple rounds of total body radiation.  Please keep the good juju coming for him that all goes well.

We talked about getting to Maintenance Therapy with the docs, and what it will entail for Lulu.  It’s not as easy breezy as I had hoped, and the conversation left me a bit deflated.  She will start off with a spinal tap with intrathecal chemo, and a lot more chemotherapy to follow.  She will get one chemo drug at home EVERY SINGLE DAY for 20 MONTHS along with others received regularly and intermittently.  She will also get steroids 5 days every month (hear inner scream) and more spinal taps.  Wow.  The good news is that we won’t have to go into the hospital nearly as much as of recent.  If all goes well, she will only go in once/month!  Now that’s huge!  Her beautiful blonde hair will start growing back, and she can go back to school in the fall.  Halle-freakin’-Lulu-ya!!! We have the end date penned into our calendars: March 6, 2014.

On the home front, Lu is still a little spitfire, but showing flashes here and there of her old sweet self.  I’ve sworn to move out when she is between the ages of 12-16, and return after.  I’ll still call, and skype.  – Maybe even have a weekend visit and holidays … just kidding (mostly)!  I really do adore her and she is my little Tinkerbell.  They make ‘em cute for a reason, right?  Jimmy is, well, Jimmy is … hmm, too many words to fit in here.  He’s been working harder than I’ve ever seen him work in my life.  I must track down his swim coaches and thank them, because I truly believe his training in college has prepared him for this both mentally and physically.  You see, Jimmy was a world-ranked distance swimmer, in the 800 and the mile.  Can you even imagine swimming a mile!?!  I’d be happy to jog a mile these days!  I think you’d have to be incredibly tough on all fronts to do this, and do it for years.  So, coach Bob and Jack, thank you.  Sports really do shape a person.

Oh, and I must include his biggest news:  He had a personal dream come true last week!  His favorite band in the entire world is the Foo Fighters, and he got to film them at a live concert!!!  He was just adorably giddy about it, really unlike him who plays it very cool most of the time.  I loved seeing that side of him and he wholly deserved it.  At one point while he was shooting, Dave Grohl almost knocked him over when he came flying up to his camera.  I think Jimmy told me about it at least 5 times.   - Love it!

I’ve been continuing to work part-time on my consulting job, and loving every minute of it.  Thanks Grandpa, for holding down the fort while I’m working at the coffee shop, which the family now knows as my c’office.  I feel like I’m overflowing with pent-up work energy, like a runner crouched in the starting position on the track before the gun is fired.  I’ve needed this outlet, and am so grateful to have it.  It adds balance to me, to Lulu and to the whole family dynamic.  Max has been taking a theater camp, and he too, seems to be bubbling over with enthusiasm.  He’s actually super talkative at the end of the day!  I get to ask him all kinds of questions and actually get a response, well, except when I ask him about girls.  That’s still off limits.  I guess he’s not interested yet (yay!).  On the contrary, Lulu already talks about her little friend Franklin saying things like “Mama, sometimes I fink I wuuuuv him!” followed by a cheeky giggle.

Well, dear Friends, we are getting there.  Wherever ‘there’ is.  Getting to Maintenance, getting to the new normal and whatever that will mean.  I’m hoping the forecast is light on rain, and heavy on rainbows.

Love,

a.l.l. of us

Lemon-Aid

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Hello Friends,

I finally have a minute to give you an update.  Lulu is getting a blood transfusion at the hospital, and after getting some Benadryl, is heading off to what I hope will be a nap.  It’s quite peaceful here right now, the lights are dim, the nurses don’t have to check on us quite as often as usual, and I’m in my favorite lazy-boy recliner with laptop on my lap top.

It’s been a stressful time, although Lulu is doing amazingly well.  I feel a little guilty complaining because this course has been SO much better than expected.  Physically, Lu is kicking booty, hasn’t gotten sick once, is continuing to eat (junk food), and has enough energy for a thousand men.  I don’t know how someone can have so much energy on chemo.  It seems impossible.  I swear they’re slippin’ in some speed or amphetamines of some kind into the mix!

This brings me to what’s been harder to deal with; her mood.  ANGER has seriously set in, and it comes out hard, fast and often.  Her tone is as disrespectful as a teenage girl’s during puberty.  I think it’s a combo of all the drugs coursing through her veins, as well as a general feeling of ‘this sucks and I’m sick of it’.  She says things like “I wish I NEVER got sick in the first place!”  “Why do I have this and other kids don’t!?!”, and “YOU’RE lucky YOU’RE not sick!!!”  Can’t blame her.  We all feel the same way, including Max who also seems more affected than usual these days.  He’s been dealing with her anger as well, but luckily has camps to keep him distracted during the day.  It feels like this all should have been over a while ago, yet we go on and on with treatment.  She has to endure more shots in the legs, more pills, more chemo…  We spend a lot of time in the hospital: 4-5 days this week, and 3-4 next to get treatments. She also got an ear infection, which can make anyone crabby. I’m feeling slightly relieved that she needed blood today, since being low in reds makes you extremely irritable.  It feels like a partial answer at least.

I just had to take a break because, ironically, she threw a HUGE tantrum after taking a liquid pre-med she didn’t like.  She slammed her fist into her juice box, which exploded all over the room.  Of course the nurse and doctor were there to witness the event for maximum impact.  It’s hard not to be embarrassed by her behavior, and it’s even harder to keep my own temper under control as of late.  I’ve failed on a few occasions, but try every day to stay calm.  Dad and Jimmy have both been gone again, which makes it harder.  My dad had to go to help out with some flooding up north, and I know he is needed there.  Jimmy’s been all over different states working and we’ve been two ships passing in the night.

I have to tell you about a little escape I wriggled in.  I went to NYC for 2 days with the consulting job I’ve been working on.  Somehow, I’ve been juggling a fairly heavy load of work with caretaking (how does Jimmy do it?), and have truly been enjoying the distraction work brings.  The day I left, Jimmy got home at midnight from the airport, and I flew out at 4 a.m.  The trip seemed guided by fate from the get-go.  I ran into a model/friend whom I adore on the flight (I work in the fashion industry), and we ended up sharing a cab together and catching up on the way.  That seemed to set the tone for the whole trip.  My worlds kept merging in unexpected ways.  On more than one occasion, I would be in a meeting with someone who would share how cancer had touched their lives, or they were dealing with it now, or had dealt with it in the past.  No one knew of my situation, the information came organically.  Those of you who have children know what it is like to meet other parents and instantly be in the so-called Parent Club?  Being in the Cancer Club seems to create an even deeper and more instant bond.  I had a potential vendor hugging me with tears in her eyes, and shared an unspoken connection with a former colleague that went beyond the moment.  His partner had been just 2 years out of Cancerland.

This strange kismet continued into the evening.  A very good friend of mine is a famous Broadway percussionist and was performing at The Carlyle the night I was in town (brag, brag).  Luckily, my colleague Joseph was up for it, and we headed to the show.  We got the last two seats in the 75-person capacity room, and ended up moving over to what was a perfect spot for the show.  It was in intimate four-person cabaret act with Laura Osnes who sang the bejeezus out of every song.   She dedicated one song to her mother who had recently passed away.  I fought back the tears and hoped my colleague didn’t think me completely unprofessional.  This was juxtaposed by a shout-out that came as a surprise even to me when I all-too-loudly said ‘That’s Joel Freakin’ Gray!!!” as he stepped onstage to do a number with Laura.  Did I mention Tommy Tune was only a few feet away from us? It was an overwhelming blessing after not being out in so long.  We met my dear friend Larry after the show and talked with Laura.  She told me her mother had died of breast cancer, and I told her about my daughter.  More tears.  Sheesh.

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The next day went very well, I kept it togethuh, and we flew out later that night.  Well, we flew out after our cab ran out of gas DURING RUSH HOUR ON THE FREEWAY IN NYC.  – And it felt like it was 115 degrees outside.  Something in me just knew we’d be ok, and I felt totally calm.  Sure enough, another cab pulled up within two minutes even though he was headed in late to a shift.  We got to the airport, waited for them to fix a leak, and landed home safely that night.

Back to reality; hardcore reality.  I know many of you are not only following Lulu’s progress, but have gotten to know a little about our friends Joshua, Kate and Bo.  Joshua is declining rapidly, but seems to be enjoying every minute he can with his family, traveling and meeting his idols.  Kate is starting to walk again, and eat a bit, but still has a long journey ahead.  Bo and his family got the devastating news that not only has his cancer returned, but it is difficult to treat, and a kind the docs have never seen before.  Long story short, they were given a couple of options.  They could do palliative care, which means just making him comfortable with no more treatment, or total body radiation and chemo and fighting like hell into the unknown.  He and his mom are choosing to fight!  Percentages of survival don’t matter if you’re in the right part of the equation, and I believe Bo is capable of being the exception.  Lulu and I visited him yesterday, and although I could see the sadness in his eyes, I could also see someone just pissed off and determined enough to fight.

As I hugged his mom, an amazingly strong and gregarious woman, I could feel her pain.  She loved seeing Lulu, but I know it’s difficult too.  When your child is very sick, it’s bittersweet to see other children doing well.  You’re so happy for them, but you also feel other emotions.  Not envy, but rather a deep longing.  You long for the blissful ignorance of having a healthy child, one you can take home and hug and love forever.  Having been on both sides of the coin, I’ve felt all these emotions, and know how other parents feel when they’re in similar positions.  It’s all just really hard.

I’ve been in tears daily since we got the news on Bo, and I know all of you as humans are affected by reading this.  While I ask for your continued thoughts and prayers for these families, I hope to call you into action as well.  I’ve realized my own tears, and feelings of sadness aren’t tangible; they don’t make any difference in the real world.  We want and need to DO more.  Lu had the idea of starting a lemonade stand to help other kids.   We will open Lulu’s Lemon- Aid Stand this Sunday (and as many days as we can) in front of our house, all donations to go to Children’s hospital and cancer research.  Even though this is a small gesture, it is something.  We plan to do much more in the way of donations after we get through our own medical bills.  I want to ask each of you to do whatever feels right to you, big or small.  Maybe it’s visiting someone who has cancer, sending a gift, making something to donate, giving blood or platelets which are always needed, making a meal, or donating in a monetary way, even buying local produce to help reduce pesticide use, whatever floats your boat.  Post it here to help inspire others, or keep it close to your heart.  If we all turn our empathy into action, maybe there will be less Lulu’s Kate’s Joshua’s and Bo’s in this fight.  The little things really do make a difference.  Lulu offered a woman a potato chip on the elevator yesterday.  A potato chip.  The woman crouched down, thanked her and gave her a hug.  She said she really needed that today, and broke down in tears.  I had seen her with her little boy earlier, knew what she was going through, and how that tiny chip and that big hug affected her.

We are only two weeks away from beginning our 20 months of Maintenance Therapy, and are pushing through in anticipation of a new normal.   Thank you, as always, for riding along with us for 8 long months and onward.  I know we’ve had readers come and go, but the majority of you have strapped in, read everything, and continue to keep up on the rainbows and storms of our journey.  We really wouldn’t be as strong without your support.

Thank you sincerely,

a.l.l. of us

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Lulu’s Ad

Lulu's Ad

Here it is! We are so proud of our little firecracker. Yes, she is Spirited indeed …

We are a bit in the weeds this week, but I will write asap! She’s doing pretty well, and we are all hanging in …
a.l.l. of us

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